Live from the Palace: A new
transparency
ALAN C. ROBLES
08/12/2009 | 02:31 PM HUMOR ME: A new column that takes a satirical look at the Philippines’ real state of the nation.
TV anchor: Hello to all our viewers out there. We're coming live from the Palace, where the administration is about to announce what it says will be a dramatic newshift in its stance towards the media. It has promised that today it will fully answer and explain everything that the public and the press have been asking about. And let me tell you, it's going to be a change from the usual policy of not answering anything at all... Wait, here comes the spokesperson now, let's focus the camera on him...
Spokesperson: Good afternoon, everybody, we've all asked you to attend this gathering because we have an important announcement to make. In light of all the unfair criticisms and destructive remarks being made against this administration, we have decided to adopt a new media policy that, we feel, will totally address all these questions that have been raised for so many years. So let's start, first question?
Reporter No. 1: That's good to hear sir. Can you start by telling us if there's any truth to the charges that the President and cronies ran up a huge dinner bill abroad in Ristorante Costa Plente?
Spokesperson: It's a communist plot. Next question please.
Reporter No 1: Wait, don't you want to add details to your reply?
Spokesperson: Oh, yes, right. It's CLEARLY a communist plot. Is that detailed enough? Next question.
Reporter No 2: What about all these stories that the President plans to stay forever in power, that the president goes around the Palace touching the walls saying “hehehe, you're mine forever?"
Spokesperson: A communist plot.
Reporter No 2: Anything else?
Spokesman: A dastardly communist plot clearly bent on undermining the fabric of our democratic republic. Next question.
Reporter No 3: Can you comment on allegations that the President's family as well as members of the Cabinet have all become so rich that they play Monopoly with real property?
Spokesperson: What can I say, it's a communist plot. A disgusting, diabolical communist plot.
Reporter No 3: It's a communist plot that they've become rich?
Spokesperson: Who knows how these filthy communists work? Their agitation propaganda is really insidious.
Reporter No 4: What can you say about rumors that only textmates of the President will qualify for the National Artist award?
Spokesperson: You know what I'm going to say, right?
Correspondent: Uh, it's a communist plot?
Spokesperson: You see it too! Next question.
Reporter No 5: What can you say about government's efforts to deal with the destruction wrought by the consecutive typhoons.
Spokesperson: At last a question that allows me to demonstrate the work this government is doing in the face of the massive damage wrought by a clearly communist plot.
Reporter No 5: Are you saying the typhoon was caused by communists?
Spokesperson: I'm not pointing fingers but I think the evidence is overwhelming. Next question.
Reporter No 6: Excuse me sir, is the aircon working? Why is it so hot in the room?
Spokesperson: It's a communist plot!
Reporter No 6: No, no, we're just saying there seems to be a problem with the aircon.
Spokesperson: And I'm saying it's all a communist plot! It's clear that the communists have poisoned all your minds! You're all communists! All of you!
Reporter No 5: Are you OK sir?
Spokesperson: (starts raving) Papa Ferdie! Papa Ferdie! There are communists in the room! They're under my bed! Help! Storm troopers! Seal the Palace! The red menace attacks! Arggh!
Reporter No 6: His brain exploded! That's incredible!
Reporter No 1: Why?
Reporter No 6: I didn't think he had a brain.
TV Anchor: And that wraps up the administration's press con. - GMANews.TV
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